Conversations with friends: motherhood and ambitions
Conversations with my friends usually follow a recurring pattern. We talk of work, love and the latest happenings in life before we dive into the real stuff. As we guide our children through the maze that is the playground, we discuss how to make our dreams work. Becoming a mother does not necessarily change your ambitions or interests, but it does shape your relation to them. I used to love writing about fashion, (pop) culture and the philosophy behind it. When I became a mother, that shifted to writing about motherhood and finding balance through self-care. I have to be very conscious about creating space and time for essentials in my life, like friendships, hobbies, and self-care. I tend to forget their importance and positive impact on my sense of self. Mostly, it's my friends who hold me accountable for putting energy and time into the things I really want in my life. They remind me of an often diffused part of myself, the woman I was before my sons were born. The woman who wanted nothing more than to be a mother, but who also had strong creative ambitions that I was confident I would one day achieve.
On the family swing, my friend and I got to talking about the pursuit of our ideas and ambitions. As creative types, we both have plenty, but the real challenge is turning them into reality. We may have the most perfect ideas in our heads, but when it comes to execution, everything falls apart. Whilst debating what we could do to improve, we found three main 'obstacles' for which I later on researched and curated proven solutions.
Perfectionism
If your mind is as fast as ours, you will immediately have the most perfect end result of your idea in mind. Inspired by online images or role models, you aim for a result that is unattainable for a beginner. Knowing what you want may have set the bar too high in the first place, as every start needs refinement over time. Sometimes the disappointment of the outcome of the first draft is paralysing. To improve your first effort, you can ask someone close to you for feedback or ideas on the matter. Secondly, jumping straight to the final result makes the task too overwhelming. A proven technique for this is to break down a project into smaller tasks, it’s the method I used to create the journal.
Self-actualisation
If you are prone to people pleasing or have a tendency to focus on the needs of those around you, carving out time to benefit only yourself feels uneasy. Yet, it is a very healthy practice of self-care. It helps you to stay in touch with your needs and helps with regulation and balance. Things that would’ve been normal to you before becoming a mother, can now feel as too much. Shopping for yourself only, or getting a massage, going on a holiday with friends instead of your family or doing a course to pick up a new skill - will elevate your energy levels. It helps to rebalance your nervous system. Viewed from this angle, working on your dreams, might be the healthiest thing to do. Holding multitudes is the sweet spot in pursuing your dreams - it is okay to feel guilty whilst doing something solely for yourself, even though you feel there is nothing you want more at this moment. These realities can co-exist.
Community
Especially before the routine of working on your idea, has kicked in, you need friends who lift you up, and who see the possibilities. When you are ready, share your ideas with your soft friends. The soft ones, are the ones who cheer you on and instil confidence in you. Keep the critical ones aside for later - their perception is very useful for when you strive for perfection. Use social media to hold you accountable, by mentioning your ideas online - you’re bringing them into virtual reality, and that is one reality at least.
I would love for It’s a Dialogue to serve as this soft community. Share your idea or ambition - from getting in shape, to improving health, to adapting a new skill. Whatever ‘new’ thing you are currently trying to balance with motherhood, career or self, I am here for it!
Find me on Instagram - or shoot me an e-mail.
Love always,
